To Be or Not to Be...Married

Is that...miniature litter?

To have a truly ethical wedding, you must begin by asking, why do I want to get married?

It's not as easy a question as it might seem - marriage has dubious origins and a history blighted by women's oppression. From Ancient Greece's state-sanctioned rape of a teenage bride by an unfamiliar groom decades her senior, to medieval marriage as a trade agreement between groom and father of the bride, to wife as household servant, marriage has deprived women of their rights and independence throughout history. Victoria Dutchman-Smith, vibrant feminist writer of The F-Word, decries marriage as rooted "in harmful, outdated notions of ownership and immutable gender roles." And though in modern weddings, it's the men who are claiming oppression - they're "whipped" by "bridezilla" - marriage today still smacks of conservative traditionalism. It continues to be a hostile political ground where men, women, government, progressive people, conservative people, and homosexual people (to name a few) duke it out for their rights and try to navigate the difficult territory of joining lives while maintaining individual independence.

So is this an institution we want to enter into? Do we want to engage (pun intended) with a political establishment that may propagate sexism and homophobia? We've already committed to a permanent relationship; we've cohabited for some time; neither of us practices a religion that dictates that we must marry; we don't feel the need to 'legitimize' our intimate relationship; at this point, we don't even get any new legal or economic stability - in NYC, I already qualify for Jeremy's health benefits package as a domestic partner. So why marry? 

Any activist's handbook will tell you that you can't found a movement purely on negatives. Progress doesn't occur by telling people what must not be, what they may not do - alternatives must be presented, a languages of positives must be used. Environmentalists are pro-sustainability, not anti-industry. Feminists aren't called anti-misogynists. 'Pro-choice' takes linguistic first prize for not being 'anti-anti-abortion.'

So Jeremy and I are looking at what a marriage would mean to us, rather than what it wouldn't. We feel that being married would be a social recognition of our contract, and a public declaration of our love. That stuff makes us happy. And, rather than resisting involvement with a corrupt definition of marriage, we want our union to begin to redefine what marriage means - for our loved ones, for our community, and for our government.

On a personal level, I feel that publicly recognizing my commitment in front of family, friends, community, and state - everyone I feel accountable to - requires an even greater amount of certainty than making that commitment privately. Once you've done that, you're free to concentrate on life's many other big decisions - career? where to live? kids? - with your relationship at the core.

So that is why we've decided to marry. But then, why have a wedding?

2.3 million couples (an average of about 6,200 per day) spend over $72 billion getting married in America every year. The average wedding puts somebody $10K in debt. Obscene amounts of waste are produced. Millions of tons of food and flowers are thrown out, and countless pounds of carbon added to the atmosphere. Stodgy patriarchal traditions are upheld and reinforced. Heinous bridesmaids dresses are added to landfills. What a travesty! Surely not having a wedding, and avoiding all of that business, is the way to go?

We want a celebration of our love, commitment, and future together; of the miracle that we found each other; of the things we have learned and will learn from one another; of the joy we share at the prospect of a life together. Call us old-fashioned. No, don't - we want to do it sustainably.

We believe that we can celebrate at a net benefit to the environment.

Possible? We hope!

The hope is that our ethical wedding will have a small environmental footprint and a big impact on our guests. We want it to serve as a model of our lifestyle, an example of our principles, an inspiration to our loved ones, and a gesture of our larger commitment - to living lightly on the earth.

But how?!

Well, I'm excited to find out. Here begins our journey.

-Kate

Comments

[abby]

Oh my gosh, how much do I love you guys. This is wonderful, Kate, and so you! Yay.

[Angela]

Kate, you are an incredible woman and a damn good writer. Good luck with this blog and your choices, and know that I'm right here to talk to about any of it, any time! (Well, maybe not at like 5AM. But other than that...) I love you!

[Erika]

I just wanted to say that I love your blog, and thanks for posting a reading list too. My partner and I are always asked by family and friends "When are you going to get married?" My response is usually “when we get around to it.” I don't feel that we need to be married to prove our relationship has staying power. That being said, we do intend to marry, and one of the books I found most helpful when wrestling with the “should we get married?” question was Marriage: A History by Stephanie Coontz.
Thanks again for the great blog!