Knot So Much

Exponentially

I canceled my membership to The Knot today.

Yes, I know. Theknot.com is every modern bride’s online bible. It’s comprehensive, exhaustive, elegant, and certainly a lot more hip than most bridal magazines. But the Wedding-Industrial Complex was already rubbing me the wrong way with its saccharine, anorexic models lounging in $10,000 floral arrangements on "Hot Hawaii Destination Wedding" sets (the groom is, of course, a dark blur in the background), and frankly, logging in to have The Knot tell me I had one hundred and eighty-nine items on my "personalized checklist" to complete (20 of which were already marked “overdue" - I just got engaged! I'm not getting married for at least a year!) – Well, it was sort of the final straw.

I'm out. That grinning bride, that groom-blur groping her butt, that pink cake - that is not my wedding.

Like going vegan or getting rid of your TV, expunging the Wedding-Industrial Complex from your planning process is a dramatic departure - too dramatic, some might argue.  Why not use those glossy bridal magazines, with their nifty centerpieces and 800-gowns-per-issue, to inspire your own DIY ideas?  What harm can it do?

I don't know for sure, but I'm getting an idea.  It started when a couple of those glossies made their way into my living room, along with a "Congratulations!" cake and a pitcher of mimosas from my dear friend and neighbor, who wanted to celebrate my engagement by having "bride day."  She's rather a free spirit herself, and the pink publications were intended to be more ironic than not.  But, in the spirit of Bride Day, we ate chocolate icing and pored over their pages. 

Bleh! In one issue of "In Style Weddings," there were no less than forty full-page diamond ads.  A finely-printed, three-page registry list documented over five hundred "must-have" items such as a deep-fryer and both formal and informal napkin rings.  In "The Best-Ever Wedding from A to Z," J, K, and L stood for 'jewelry,' 'killer bod,' and 'lingerie.'  There was an article about how to get the perfect tan, with a color chart of tans matched with several shades of white. Shades of white, people. With matching tans.  Two-thirds of models were blonde, and none of them looked a day over eighteen; brunettes were posed suggestively in revealing gowns, while light-haired women were veiled and infantilized - one even clutched a curly-maned, satin-bridled pony.  Only one bride out of all 77 was of African descent - and she was posed in a dress embellished with cowry shells, surrounded by tribal masks.  Ew.

My concern deepened when I went online to seek out couples planning feminist weddings.  Thread after thread, women debated the various effronteries of veils, garters, and fathers giving brides away.  And while my accolades go out to anyone who considers how these traditions might be rooted in oppression - for many people do not - is that really all there is to it? The scope, it seems, is so narrow that by merely omitting the "and obey" from your vows, you've got yourself an alternative wedding.

On the whole, it seems like trying to re-outfit old customs to suit a progressive schema is like sewing elastic into your whalebone corset - it's definitely more comfortable, but hey, you're still wearing a corset (And it's still made of an endangered species). Put another way, it's just like buying flower arrangements: you walk into a flower store, you see some nice Gerber daises you like, and you absent-mindedly tell the salesperson you need flowers for your wedding.  Twenty minutes later, you walk out with an armload of calla lilies for three times the price - and that's what happening to the whole event. The minute you stick the word "wedding" on it, there are suddenly things you shouldn't have and others you must, and you can bet that the musts will have a heftier impact, on both your pocketbook and the environment.  Not only that, but the 'musts' say so little about you.

So forget The Knot's checklist - I'm making my own!  And, while it's not going to include things like "experiment with a variety of self-tanners" and "pay wedding consultant," you can be sure it will include better things like "experiment with a variety of icings" and "build puppets."

Just kidding about the puppets.

Or am I…?

Comments

[Maemiouy]

Oh my gosh! How much do I love you?
You write (and so eloquently) all of those thoughts that have swum around in my head for 35 years that I didn't quite bring to the surface and actually think about - but there they are on your blog! I am so inspired and impressed and proud of you and in 36 hours can tell you to your face! I can't wait...

[Marie]

aw

[Al]

Your blog is growing increasingly interesting and intriguing each day. I so love being a part of this with you!

[Annie]

This is just to say, I love your blog; eloquent you are! I've been engaged for about a month, and my goal from the start has been to not crack a bridal magazine. Mostly, I'm glad to know that there are like-minded (a.k.a. non-brainwashed) people out there!

[Simone and Jackson]

Where the heck were you when I was planning my wedding?!?!?! I fell for it hook line... LOVE this post!!!!!!

[Simone and Jackson]

Wait to my credit I did not totally drink the Kool-Aid... But I did fall for the dreaded "check lists"... :-P

[M]

Oh my goodness! Our blogs must be friends immediately! This is so great... we are on the same page. Down to, I was just talking over using monkey finger puppets as a cake topper. I even have a politically blogging groom (and I lived in Brooklyn till last year, when we moved to San Francisco).
Yay! (you go on my blog roll tonight).

[Vestirdeblanco]

Thanks, thanks, thanks for keeping me sane. I invited two more people to my wedding-blog and I'm begging to regret it because they are so pro typical-wedding. Thanks for make me realize that there are more "normal" people outside.

[Critsey]

Great post! Love your blog!

[clare]

just found your blog via a practical wedding! Great stuff especially this post.

[rowena]

Just discovered you, and, AMEN SISTER!

I am vaguely planning a vague wedding that when the father of my children gets around to proposing (our one wink at the ordinary, I think) and we set a date, I will be able to concretely plan.

I have decided to ignore all bridal magazines. Just not even look at them, not even the cover, and get off Knot.com. I don't even look at their email updates anymore.

I'd rather look at normal parties and normal flower arranging, and normal fashion for my style inspiration. And blogs like yours.

[Fingers McGhee]

Great. I knew it. Does this mean I can't have wear a silky piece of sheer fabric on my head and have my own father give me away without being labeled as the unsophisticated bumpkin who is solely responsible for the oppression of millions of women all over the world?? I knew I couldn't get away with doing what I wanted without having to consider the viewpoint of yet another opinionated (if slightly skewed and bitter) contributor. I guess #2 on your checklist was "Piss On Someone".

And no offense, but any genius can see that theknot.com, just like every other wedding related media outlet, is attempting to appeal to as many consumers as possible to sell ad space. That's what they do...they appeal to consumers. Not wave banners for whatever trendy righteous cause you've decided to champion this week. I guess some moron over there at theknot.com headquarters thought that eventually some of those broads (yes I said broads) might actually want to celebrate being married to a man.

I did agree about the giant diamond ads and the black girls. You should also speak to the fact that there is virtually no presence of latin women in any of these ads. Just a thought, to give a nod to the fastest growing minority in the country. If you're really unmotivated, then why not take a look at Martha Stewart's site? After all, she is a Jewish female business owner. That's bound to be on your "Trendy Liberal Wedding Checklist" somewhere.