Getting Misty, Or, On Over-Thinking It

Confession: I'm having some regrets about starting this blog. Not because it's another responsibility, or because I have to work it into my schedule, or because I'm not as inspired to write as I thought I would be (I am!); none of those conventional reasons bloggers quit blogging (and I've so been there).  No, it's something I couldn't have predicted, an instinct that even directly counters the precepts of visibility, education and community that I ascribed to this blog and our wedding planning process.  It's just that…maybe it's too personal.

I spent the last two years (erratically) blogging about that perpetually agreeable topic, Good Food. I offered decent recipes and appealing photographs; friends, family, foodies, and web-surfing well-wishers gathered around my virtual table to flatter and salivate, generous in their praise and gentle with their remonstrance of my periodic absences. It was a warm, fuzzy place. I guess it just didn't really occur to me that here would be any different. I mean, I know it would look better in here with those beveled corners - and I'm working on that - but who knew that by exposing the process of planning my ethical wedding, I would be opening myself up for criticism?

The thing is that everybody likes the idea of an ethical wedding. Ethical. Wedding. What's not to like? I know a lot of different kinds of people, but most of them would still agree that big, expensive weddings are, at the very least, wasteful, and often in poor taste. The suggestion of a small, personalized wedding, planned with some environmental sensitivity befitting a sustainability coordinator and his bride, seems appropriate and even charming.

But you're not going to make it WEIRD, are you? Don't you think you're over-thinking it a little? Or just, You're being so intense! Lighten up! It's your wedding, your Special Day! CHILLAX!

I know, I know. I'm supposed to get all misty and rosy-cheeked just thinking about it. And I am!  I'm misty! This is me being misty!  Unfortunately, I have other non-misty qualities too, and they don't automatically abate at the mention of the W-word. I'm an over-thinker, over-talker, feminist vigilante, and eco-dork. Also, food whore.  Heck, I think those might even be reasons he likes me.

I'm also obsessed with fantasy; I believe in ideal worlds; I love nature and beautiful things in it.  I feel strongly about trees and value my own roots. I'm a total believer in love conquering all and all of that other cheesy crap.  Most of all I like small things, warm in their nests.  Maybe that side of me just hasn't had a chance to show up here yet, except in my banner, where all the little folk are dancing. I picked this image because it seemed the most like how I envision our wedding - curious, whimsical, generous, holy.

Like I said, I know and cherish lots of different kinds of people - folks so different that we'd go crazy trying to plan an event that suited each of them.  Instead, I have to trust that they all love us because of who we are, and will honor and take pleasure in a marriage that reflects us uniquely.

So I'm going to keep blogging, and use this space as a place to process my perceptions, organize my values, get rosy-cheeked and misty, and plan the Best Little Wedding Ever. 

And maybe occasionally chillax.

Kate

PS. Just in case I gave the wrong impression - pleaspleaseplease continue to give feedback!  Discussion/celebration/refutation/commiseration is always a good thing. =)

Comments

[Al]

The very reasons you mentioned contributes to Jeremy's love for you are exactly the same reasons I love you so much! Heck, we drew fairies together! I think that's the definition of whimsy. :)

[Gail]

Kate,
What you have been saying here is wonderful. And thank you for your honesty with this post. There is such a lack of genuine discussion on this topic on the web that I think you are doing great things for the wedding industry by commenting on your experiences with it here. There is so much more to be said about ethical feminist weddings beyond organic catering, recycled invitations and whether or not burn the dress photo shoots are ethical (wait...people actually debate that?!?!!) But the issues you bring up are real and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in wondering about these things. Sean and I have thought about them in our extremely unofficial casual discussion thus far (no pressure on Sean intended...really I mean it. Don't go spreadding things now :)...) One thing I have been telling Sean is that it is REALLY hard to not overthink wedding stuff. It is so ingrained in us as American women growing up in this wedding-crazy culture. I admit I am a recovering obsessive wedding planner from long before I even met Sean, so I know how messed up this stuff can be. And how hard it is to really chillax. And in some messed up way wanting to make it more low key and eco and ethical and feminist makes it that much harder to go with the flow and to prevent obsessing about it. Probably because it is so unusual and it isn't like you can go to some place and just get it all taken care of easy-peasey. It takes time to research and think about. I am actually kind of scared for it to really happen for us because I don't want to relapse (Sean is scared too). So on behalf of other over-thinkers I just wanted to say thank you for your courage and determination in keeping this blog going. I don't think I would be able to. Skeptics should rest assured that in the end it is going to make for a very heartfelt and wonderful wedding and - more importantly - union. And knowing how romantic and adorable the two of you are you would still make everyone misty-eyed if you got married in burlap sacks on the subway. And I totally support the weird. I volunteer to be part of the puppet orchestra if you need me. ;) On a more serious note I am thankful for the opportunity to get to know you from a distance. One of these days I am going to get around to blogging...

With empathy,
Gail

[Kate]

"And in some messed up way wanting to make it more low key and eco and ethical and feminist makes it that much harder to go with the flow and to prevent obsessing about it."

So true! My original instinct was to have the wedding ASAP to keep me from planning it to death - because while I really resented TheKnot telling me I had 189 things to (and while I was never one of those girls who had my entire wedding planned down the flower arrangements by the time I was twelve), I can still probably come up with a list of 189 things myself. Hell, I can probably come up with a list of 189 things I hate about doing laundry - just the kind of person I am.

Jeremy made the extremely valid point that we ought to be planning the next stage of our lives right now too, so that maybe some big changes (moving? new job/s? volunteering? big travel?) can synch up with getting married. There's something about having this whole production and then going back to our same Brooklyn life that doesn't sit right for him - our marriage should be a benchmark that sets change in motion. I like that idea, too. But it does mean more time for obsessive planning. So, rather than pretend we're not getting married for six months, I've decided to embrace the time and process, and try hard to do it in a way that also makes me a better person.

And you're right - there is a lot to be said! I'm excited to contribute - it's always nice to be at the forefront of a movement or an idea. Thanks so much for your encouragement.

I won't say more here, but - looking forward to girl-gossiping I MEAN SHARING IDEAS in a few days. Much love,

Kate